Change one word!
Most of us like to take steps to improve ourselves. We make resolutions to boost our health, be better leaders, acquire a new skill, be more patient, etc. Choosing that resolution means that we have to commit to a new behavior and keep it, even in the presence of temptations. It could be that we decided to stop eating sweets, exercise, or leave the office in time to have more time with the family. Once we made our decision, sooner or later a friend will approach us and offer a piece of cake, or invite us to go for a drink and catch up, which means that we will be breaking our commitment. In an effort to keep our resolution, we usually will say something like “Thank you, but I can’t”.
Let’s analyze what happens after that. Very often your friend will start explaining why you should skip your resolution, “it’s my birthday, don’t be a party pooper”, or “we haven’t talked for so long, skipping your workout one day will not hurt you”, and so on. Of course the offer is very tempting. You feel your willpower weakening. You struggle, and after a few minutes, you either succumb to the temptation, or keep your resolution and feel upset and deprived. Do you know why that is?
When you say “I can’t”, what you are thinking is “I would like to, but unfortunately I can’t”.
This means that this new behavior has been imposed on you. You would like to continue with your old behavior, but you are being forced by your resolution.
What would happen if instead of “Thanks, but I can’t eat sugar” you say “Thanks, but I don’t eat sugar”. How does that word change impact the situation? For one, it’s is hard for your friend to start arguing. The old behavior (eating sugar) is not an option for you. You are a person that doesn’t eat sugar, it is not something that you were forced to do, it’s who you are. Therefore, it makes no sense to insist that you eat the cake.
Same goes with the other two cases. “I exercise every afternoon”, “I have dinner with my family at 7 pm”. Those are your choices. There are no other options. The only thing that can happen is that you negotiate some other arrangements with your friend that allow you to keep your new behavior.
Social psychologists have learned over the years, that even apparently subtle differences in language can have very powerful effects on our thoughts, feelings and behavior. The difference between thinking “I can’t” and “I don’t” can be very dramatic.
The great thing about using this strategy is that it could not be easier. You can start implementing it right now. Every time you catch yourself thinking “I can’t have this”, or “I can’t do that”, instead say “No, I don’t do this”.
Feel the power of that small change.
