Pay attention to your feelings!
Clarifying and respecting each other’s limits is crucial to a good relationship. This holds true in any area of our lives, and I find it specially important for leaders .
Boundaries are limits that we define in our relationships to indicate what is acceptable to us and what is not.
Boundaries help us in many ways. They protect us, they clarify our responsibility and the responsibility of the other person. They also help to preserve our physical and emotional energy and to live according to our values and standards.
What I have observed in many of my clients, is that they often fail to set boundaries. This happens frequently to leaders that have very good manners and those that lead with the desire to deeply understand and empathize with their team members. Some people may confuse their good manners with weakness, and will push their limits, knowing that the leader will not confront them in their behavior. When this happens, I like to say that people are taking advantage of the other person’s good manners.
Let’s analyze and example: Robert, the leader, is having a meeting with Paul, one of his senior team members to discuss the budget for the following quarter. Paul should present to him the budget projections. Time is of the essence an Robert needs the data to compile the final budget he has to submit to Finance tomorrow. When Paul comes into the room, he immediately starts talking about his performance review. He disagreed with his position in the ranking and the resulting salary increase. They have discussed this several times in the past weeks. Robert has explained to Paul the reasons for this results and the fact that they will not be changed. He also offered to coach him and provide regular feedback to help him move up in the ranking for the next period. Clearly paul doesn’t agree and wants to continue the discussion. Robert feels bad, he realizes how depressed Paul is, and decides to let him vent, he thinks “is the least that I can do”. The 30 minutes go by and they do not review the budget. Robert cannot prolong the meeting and Paul offers to send the data via email. This means that Robert will have to spend time understanding the numbers, and even call Paul if something needs to be redone.
How do you think Robert feels? On one hand he feels that he is doing the right thing letting Paul vent, since he feels bad for him about the performance review he got. But he also knows that it was fair. Paul is in a very competitive group and if he wants a better evaluation he has to step up his game. But on the other hand he feels resentful because he will have to work extra time to review the budget and meet his deadline. He will probably have to miss dinner with his family again.
When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. – Brene Brown
There are three key feelings that usually indicate to us the need to set boundaries. You should pay attention to see if you feel any of these feelings after an interaction with other person:
- Feeling uncomfortable. You are not quite sure what happened, but you get the feeling that somehow the other person didn’t respect you. This happens often when somebody talks over you or interrupts you.
- Feeling resentful. When you don’t call somebody on a behavior that you consider unacceptable because you don’t want to upset them. You feel that the other person took advantage of you or doesn’t appreciate you.
- Feeling guilty. You give in and do something that you don’t want to do because the other person made you feel guilty.
Pay attention to these feelings. If you feel them often, it means that you have to set limits.
The key is to clarify what is acceptable and what is not acceptable to you. It is important to set boundaries when you are not upset. This should be a calm conversation. You are exercising your right to defend your own priorities and your time. You can say things like “this is not acceptable to me”, or “I don’t agree”.
What could Robert have done? As soon as Paul started talking about his performance evaluation, Robert should have stopped him and say “I am sorry Paul. We reserved these 30 minutes to go over the budget estimates that you prepared. We have discussed your performance evaluation already. If you still have questions you can schedule 15 minutes in my calendar some other time. Now we need to review the budget. The deadline is tomorrow.”
Robert can say this calmly because he knows that he is defending his priorities and using the meeting as it was intended. He will not be resentful because he didn’t allow Paul to make him feel uncomfortable, resentful or guilty.
Set boundaries early on, so you don’t have to experience these feelings.
